I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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