Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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