Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
