So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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