She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
