Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
