Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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