can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
