Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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