accomplished twins. life is a go
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
