first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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