I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
