when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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