Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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