I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
