there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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