She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
