Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
