Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
