ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
