did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
