the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
