yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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