i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
