Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bring me that man meat
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
