Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
