Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
