Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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