She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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