Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
