dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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