I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize