There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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