she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
