I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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