i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
