Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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