you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
