Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
