my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
