I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
