I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
