Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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