just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
