dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
