I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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