You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize