My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
