woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
