i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
