Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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