Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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