I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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