I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize