The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
